Friday, July 9, 2010

Time For Me To Be Honest {and FORTY pounds!}

{No, these are not great pictures with which to compare, but it's not like I've got pictures of myself in my underwear laying around. I think I can see a difference; I know my clothes are smaller.}

Okay, readers, I need your help. I have hit a wall. A plateau. A terrible place where "lack of motivation" resides. I have lost 40 pounds. F.O.R.T.Y. POUNDS! And that is amazing, and wonderful and I'm so, so proud of myself. When I think of it like that, I am amazed that I did it.

But then... I have forty more to go. And while I take a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that this first forty wasn't INCREDIBLY hard, I still want to whine and stomp my feet and yell, "I lost forty, isn't that enough?!" But it's not. I am 20 times healthier than I was 40 pounds ago, I no longer need the C-PAP machine, I am sleeping better, and have more energy and am happier with the way I look. But am I happy (as opposed to happier)? Am I at a place where I feel completely good about myself? No.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is the crux of the issue: I've been  a certain way for basically my whole life and I'm used to that. Everyone who has ever lost a ton fo weight says the same thing, "I'm still fat inside." You still think of yourself as the way you were. Maybe if you lose 20 pounds, you can parade around on the beach, super happy about your new, improved body. But for me, and so many in this situation, I'm 40 pounds lighter on the outside and exactly the same on the inside.

Don't get me wrong, I notice the changes and I REVEL in them. I run my hands over my wrists, collarbones, knees and hips all day long. I love the feeling of these changes. But acknowledging that, yes, my rings now fit on my middle fingers instead of my pinkies is WAY different than feeling like I'm not fat.

And when I get really discouraged, I get angry because I found beauty in myself before. I saw sinuous lines in my shoulders and strength in my calves - even forty pounds ago! So, when I'm already discouraged, I wonder "was this necessary?" Was I so terrible before?" And of course, I know this is crazy. I know I need to be at a healthy weight. But there are so many emotions, so many lifelong FEELINGS wrapped up in this journey that sometimes I'm overwhelmed. Because if that's who I was, then who am I becoming?

Half of me says, "You're not defined by your weight or your looks. You are still who you think you are." The other half says, "Hah! That's crap. Of course you are defined by your looks. They have made you who you are. The fat girls are smarter, and funnier, and better writers. The fat girls are good friends, and nurturers and never ask for much." And that's who I am, who I've always been. How much of that is because of my weight? Or is my weight a product of those things?

So, I'm at a place where I'm relatively steady at being lame. I cheat on my diet because I feel like I "earned it" or like I "already messed up, so why not?" And I'm super pumped about going to the gym at completely inopportune times, like in the shower, on the way to school or while I'm at work. And I psych myself up for a workout, and then... I'm exhausted, or I have to do homework, or I have to do 3651 other things. And of course, these are all excuses. Because when I was really motivated - 2 months ago - I had time to gym, and blog, and clean the cat box, and do homework.

I'm just stuck. Emotionally. So, I need your help, readers. Please, please leave a comment (or send an email) with whatever motivates or inspires you. What gets your butt off the couch? And actually, it doesn't have to be your workout inspiration, it could be whatever inspires you in general? Maybe to be a happier person, to be a more patient parent, to be a calmer driver or better at whatever you do!


  1. Girlfriend! I've been here (I think you might've read through my blog a few times), and don't give up! I went on a month long hiatus with my work out routine and just jumped back into it this week, and it's FANTABULOUS! All I can say is you can do it! :D

  2. I found this post really refreshing, and I relate to just about everything you said. I've been overweight my entire life. I've always thought of myself as chubby, and always looked at "skinny" girls enviously, not thinking I could ever be their weight. In the last few years I have steadily lost weight, but over the past 6 months I went from a size 12 to a size 4.

    The main change in my lifestyle was my diet: I went vegan. The reason this helped me lose weight was because I drew a line in the sand and wouldn't let myself cross it. No meat. No dairy. No animal products whatsoever. I turned it into an adventure, looking for new vegan recipes and experimenting with my cooking. Because I cut out animal products, most of the frozen and processed foods I used to eat were off limits (you don't have to go vegan to stop eating that kind of stuff). I am so much healthier and happier now.

    I get what you're saying, though. You get used to seeing yourself a certain way and thinking of your weight as though it's a part of your identity. One thing that was hard to deal with was the loss of my curvy figure. I loved my curves, so a reduced bra size and straighter hips has been a transition. But my body does feel healthier now and I'm learning to appreciate new things about it that I never did before.

    Thanks for sharing your own weight loss story! I found your thoughts really interesting. I wish you good luck with the next stage of your weigh loss.

    - Cari

  3. i am going to be honest, congratulations on loosing the weight! you look amazing BUT if you, Katie, felt happy 40 pounds ago, then go back because it is better to be happy than un-happy.

    no matter what you look like, were still gonna love you :)

    *i am here for you.

  4. well, I am no expert but I'd like to say that everybody hits a plateau after a steady weight loss. when it happened to me I too felt demotivated.

    But losing 40lbs is a great achievement and I think as you said it is you who will 'see' it and feel it more than the others.

    So I hope you will think of all the good it brings and continue with your healthy eating and exercise schedule.

    I have read some articles on how to overcome a plateau - like increasing the intensity of your exercises and diversifying than sticking to the same thing etc, you may find lots of such articles in the web. I hope reading them will motivate you.

    I must mention that this is a reminder for me 1st, because I have also being procrastinating, and thank you for this post - for the reminder!

  5. Wow. As you said 40 pounds is a lot! Congrats!

    I can't tell you how to motivate yourself, heck, I'm a terrible person, I'm almost never motivated but I have found a way to stay at the same weight without effort and lose a pound or two when needed (as in right before I go to my parents' for the holidays... then I don't need to lose weight when I come back).

    I really hate gyms and watching what I eat all the time so I decided not to do those things. I cycle to work every day, sun, rain, doesn't matter. I cycle everywhere I can actually, or walk. It's silly but you get into a habit and there's no need for motivation anymore. For the food it's also easy, I like fresh stuff and I hate planning ahead, I only shop for two days at a time maximum and I only go with one small-ish bag and that means I can't buy a lot of stuff. I'm sure that can't work for everybody but if you shop for a day at a time, it takes fifteen minutes maximum per day! I also don't eat out often but that's because I enjoy cooking.

    So yes, my advice is to find something that's right for you so that you don't actually need motivation. I really don't understand people who that you have to have follow these rules and those rules. My mum is huge on rules and yet she's the one who keeps on gaining weight and so far I've avoided the dreaded family curse of gaining a lot of weight after turning 20... for a couple of years now, actually I'm lighter than I was at 20.

    Your remark about happiness and a certain weight is spot on. I noticed that I wasn't happier at 60kg because I am an acute pear shape and at 60kg my upper body was a size 2 at best while my bottom was still a size 8. It's not much better today at 63kg (size 4 top, size 10 bottom) but I feel more confident. Happiness is how you define it, not a certain amount of kilos.

  6. The most important thing in this blogpost is the part of your health. Imagine feeling even more energetic, sleping even better, not having to worry about your bones in the future. Your knees for example and your hips will be painless a lot longer when you loose even more pounds.

    I agree, it is not about beauty. But it is about taking good care of your temple, your body. And I think you are doing a VERY good job here. Emotionally I see it can be hard, but reward yourself. 5 pounds a movie and at the last 40 pounds a new pair of leather shoes for example. You can do it!

  7. Congrats! That was a lot of hard work! I eat healthy but I don't deprive myself. If I want ice-cream or chocolate or chips, I eat some. Just not the entire bar or tub. As long as you make life changes, you will lose weight.

    As for your workout, I suggest shaking things up. Sometimes, our bodies get bored with the same routine and the weight refuses to budge. Just change your routine around, and see if that helps.

    One other thing: you sure did not gain weight overnight, so it will take time.

    All the best!!

  8. Congratulations on the 40 lb loss and improving your health. The latter part should be the most important, as a few have said before me. ;)

    A quote that I read almost every day is:

    "Procrastination has already robbed us of many precious moments" -author unknown (anyone know??)

    It really helps to motivate me, as I am a TERRIBLE procrastinator, and clues my brain back into the fact that by doing nothing, I am missing a lot out of life.

    Also, another fave quote is:

    "Outer beauty fades, but inner beauty is forever" -Iman

    So keep up the hard work, and do what's best for your body so you can live a longer, happier life! Keep us posted :)


  9. I have also lost motivation. I lost nearly 20 pounds during January, February and March of this year... THEN! Then I stopped working out. It happened when I went on a trip to see family. I came back and stopped working out. It's so frustrating. I've gained about five pounds back. I've lost my motivation and I'm trying to get it back, but it's difficult because I don't really hate where I am right now. Sure, I could lose more, but I'm actually at a healthy weight and the rest would be vanity pounds. But I'm also losing what I gained from working out regularly; I don't feel as energetic, or just feeling great in general.

    So here's to motivation and hoping we all can find some somewhere!

  10. Good luck on the rest of your weight loss journey.

    June - mnifye
    New follower from Swap bot


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