you brighten my day in a way only fat manila envelopes and deco-tape covered packages can.
dear pasta, bacon and english muffins,
i know we haven't been very good friends lately. i love you, but i've recognized that we get along better if we meet infrequently. plus, i think i appreciate you more this way.
dear favorite jeans,
you don't fit anymore! which is great, because you're a few sizes larger than i'd like to wear. but it's also sad, because you actually made my ass look pretty good. and it's annoying, because i don't really want to buy new jeans. but how lame is it to complain about my sad life where i have to buy smaller jeans?
get with the program already! i have deep-conditioned you, i have masked you, i have put egg whites on you and you still act like you hate me. come on! i never blow-dry you, i rarely even brush you, how come you're so finicky lately?!
if you need something asap, please don't send it by sea. then get angry when there's an exam and a delay of 2 weeks. no, i can't make them examine your goods any faster. i can offer you a tip, though, and propose that you use air freight next time. or maybe... plan ahead!
i love you. you're the perfect size. you do everything i want. you are pretty and light and fit in my pocket and i
think thought of you as one of my all-time best purchases. but you're so damn glitchy now! i can't use yelp or google maps without you having a seizure - i didn't even turn on the strobe light! like a controlling boyfriend, you don't let all of my calls through and your trackball has started sticking. i'm sorry b-berry, we used to be the best of friends, but i think it's time to move on.
dear cat box,
please clean yourself. kthxbye.