Dear all friends who are currently in relationships,
I don't understand you.
I don't know if I can ever be you. Some days, I really want to be you - all cuddly and smooshy and moving forward with your life plans-y.
But other days, I look at you making these huge compromises. And I think...I could never do that. I mean, I've been in relationships. Long-term ones! But I don't think I ever was that person who gave herself so completely to anyone that she lost HERSELF. I've always been Katie. Not KatieandVictor or KatieandPercy or -- you can tell I'm making up these names, right?
This weekend, I saw a friend who doesn't hang out with us very often and I asked if he was attending a birthday party the following day. His response: "Not sure, gotta see what the boss [i.e. his wife] is doing." I almost died. I mean, WHAT?! If I want to go to a party, I'll go to a party. And in this case, the birthday boy was a very good friend of his, like groomsmen at each other's weddings sort of good friend. I couldn't comprehend the maybe.
Now, I understand the glow of new love. And I understand checking with your spouse to see if they're already making dinner before you make plans to go out to happy hour. But I don't understand this whole concept of not doing something unless your partner wants to.
Did you all lose your identities?! I am a person who likes to go to farmers' markets. If I were dating a boy who didn't (god forbid), should I stop going because we can only do things together?
Um, that answer is no, by the way. NO. I should keep going - with boyfriend, or without boyfriend. His preferences don't change MY preferences.
I know that relationships come in all sizes - and that every couple has their own way of communicating. But I so strongly believe that you should not give away your decision-making power. And you should not give up your likes and dislikes. And you should have some things that you maybe even do by yourself.
And maybe...this is why I'm single.
It's not a matter of losing your identity, b/c you know my view on compromises...it's making sure that the person who chose to be your bf/gf/husband/wife is also happy. Making sure that that they know you value their feelings/opinions/likes/dislikes. Taking that "loss" to see your significant other smile. Showing that this person means so much to you that can't imagine your life without them. And not having the attitude that if you don't like what I am doing then that's too bad for you...i think that's somewhat wreckless/nieve...now everyone has their own level of degree in regards to this as you eluded to, but that's the dynamic part of relationships. In most successful relationships, you don't want eachother to loose who they are, those qualities are the reason you started dating in the first place. But you have to be willing to change in some aspects, because that may be a result of learning something new about yourself & discovering new things. You are also the type of person that is very passionate about the things you like, in your example of farmer markets if your bf didn't like them you would still go, I get that. I would do the same thing with a hockey game & have before. However, if your bf gave it a chance to try & embrace something you like doing...that would show that he is trying to show interest in your passions/hobbies. And if that person were to say, cancel something or change their plans for you to show that he wants to be with you & show support of said hobby...then that is a decision that doesn't make him loose his identity it shows that they know what it means to give & take to make any type of relationship (not just bf/gf/husband/wife, but just friends) work. Believe me though we are strong believers of having somethings to do on our own.."me time" & agree with you there. I know coming from long term relationships you know what it takes to make them work...but maybe until you find that someone who you could see marrying, these "huge compromises" won't seem that huge & be put into perspective. This is all in love...and just to provide the flip side.ReplyDelete